2. Couples Halloween costume, but with my dog. So wrong. (Since she’s a girl we’d totally look like homos.) We could be Tegan and Sara!
3. Learn morse code so I can embroider smut into the rain in my crafty projects.
4. Knit my dog an ugly Christmas sweater and make her wear it every day of December 2012 and possibly into January. (I’ll wash it.)
6. Deconstruct, line and reconstruct these:
sidenote: If the presence of such mitts (hung prominently over my oven) isn’t enough, here’s step two: Dress like a lovely little June Cleaver but struggle to put on my giant manly mitts, letting them fall off several times and refusing help before finally managing (with apparent difficulty) to keep them on just long enough to retrieve a flavorless charred casserole-like-thing from the oven. (ideally at this point the kitchen smells nothing like food and very much like fire). Then, upon seeing my creation and realizing I’ve failed at my wifely duties, collapse at the kitchen table, across from Lover, dropping my now mascara-tear stained face into my giant leather mittened hands, defeated. (Ideally each glove would be larger than my face) What kind of bastard wouldn’t take up the manly mitts and cook for such a sorry soul?
...or I could just use my words.
7. Master the lost art of unbuttoning buttons with my toes, then time myself! hot.
8. Learn to play cello just well enough so that I can sing Lady GaGa songs and accompany myself. I will wear a classic little black dress and pearls but do my hair in a giant crazy updo with a glittery white finger monkey peaking out one side at a jaunty angle, winning the audience over with its big, blinky eyes and teeny dexterous fingers.
9. Sunbathe naked on the rock in front of Bridal Veil Falls. Well, not naked naked, I’d wear my Fancy Lady Sunglasses so nobody would question my behavior. It would be clear that it was indeed MY naked public sunbathing rock.
10. Win a MacArthur