the intro...

Hello and welcome to my blog! I’m your hostess, Ladyface.

I'm a 27 year old queer femme sex worker. Between my fancypants day job and my super sexy side gig I spend a lot of time being an attentive, diplomatic Ladyface so this blog is where I’ll let my hair down...I might even curse. Though I curse like a kitten sneezes, which is too say it's infrequent and harmless and still shocks me more than anyone.

I am a sex positive lady and will write candidly about my kinks, my history, my exploits and my daily life (but only the good stuff). And so that I can write as openly as possibe, I'm keeping this space anonymous. All characters are real people in my life but all names are pseudonyms and always will be.

Enjoy!

xoxo

-Ladyface

P.S. you can now follow me on Twitter! @1ladyface

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Babysitting Manchildren

Today at the strip club a bachelor party got so out of hand that all the bouncers were occupied keeping them restrained while they waited for the cops to get there. The cooks came out of the kitchen to help. This is why I don’t talk to cismen under thirty. They’re not fully formed humans. One moron was laying on his stomach, bleeding from his face with a 300 lb bouncer sitting on top of him and he was still shouting racist epithets. Sidenote: he’s the one someone decided to marry. Someone wants that guy forever.

Another couple fun moments from my shift:

I did two VIPs with two elderly gentlemen. The first was a dead fish. He was so unresponsive at one point I thought [hoped] he had fallen asleep. Then he looked up at me and issued a command. And in my head I was like “wtf?” but with my ladymouth I said “I have a better idea. Let’s do a role play!” And he was like “ooo, okay.” And I was like “You’re on Jeopardy! Rephrase that in the form of a question motherfucker.” And he was like “what? Oh… Will you please lick my nipples?” And I was like “no.”

Geriatric #2 was about 100 years old. As soon as we got into VIP he took his soft white thumb and began rubbing a spot right above my pubic bone. And in my head I was like “wtf?” but with my ladymouth I said nothing. Because really, wtf.

Then he did it again. And again. And the third time he started looking meaningfully into my eyes like he was waiting for a reaction. And then he goes “Does that feel good?” And that’s when I realized…either he had really, really crappy sex ed or some brilliant stripper before me convinced him that that’s where her clit was. And then I was like “Oh yes, that’s amazing, don’t stop. By the way, fun fact, did you know the g-spot is actually on a lady’s elbow?” [You’re welcome, future strippers.]

how about this
is this good

yes
im just going to tonelessly stare into the middle distance for a while

but this is good though right
yes
when a woman starts staring into the middle distance that’s how you know you’re doing it right

From: 
Women Being Inexpertly Groped In Western Art History


In short, today was just too much bullshit. I want to scream, shoot a gun (safely, in a shooting range, at a target shaped like a fratboy) and then have a gangbang with three chivalrous and enthusiastic drag kings while listening to Tegan and Sara. But I’ll probably just peel my eyelashes off and drop them into the toilet while I pee, then fall asleep on this giant pile of money.