Puppy Pies

Today I woke up, wrote three letters and took the pup on a walk to the post office and the library.

On the way to the post office I had to stop to pick up the pups poop and as I stood up I realized that a bus had stopped for me.  Oops.  So I smiled at the driver and flashed him the international signal for “Nope, don’t need a ride.  Just picking up dog shit.  Have a nice day!”  Darnit pup.

Then she decided she needed to go again as we were walking by the bank.  As soon as she squatted two raggedy men at the ATM started screaming at each other and within seconds five cop cars squealed into the parking lot.  Five.  It was weird.  They must have been waiting.  Maybe it was a sting.  Or a music video.  But the puppy watched unconcerned while I pulled her down the street to the post office. 

My pup is a ridgeback mix so it’s really easy to tell if she’s upset.  When her hackles are up she gets a supercool insta-faux-hawk. I’m consistently surprised what upsets her and what doesn’t phase her a bit.  Mom steps into the post office for a minute and she wears her concerned face the whole time (the post office has big windows so she’s never out of my sight) but an altercation involving five cop cars, neat!  Come on mom, let’s just hang out a bit to see where this goes.

Dear Pup,

Mom really does know best.  You’re gonna have to trust me on that.  I promise I will never forget you at the post office.  And speaking of mail, the mailman isn’t out to get you so you can stop jumping up on the coffee table and growling at him every time he approaches the house.  It’s rude and it’s not working.  You’ll never be a guard dog.  Sorry baby.  Even when you’re growling you look like a pudgy harmless snuggle pup.  That’s why he laughs and smiles and waves instead of cowering.  But you’re cute as a button and excellent at cuddles!    

Love always,

Mom

p.s. Please pick better poop times.

*image from icanhascheezburger

Introducing Ava

I wrote this on Saturday January 28th and I finally got around to editing and uploading it.  Sorry for the delay.  I think it's still worth sharing...

I’m a STRIPPER!

My audition was tonight.

             I went with a close friend who was also auditioning.  We talked to the DJ first and he pointed out the owner who was sitting at a table near the bar.  He looked like he had costumed himself to audition for the part of strip club owner in a Quentin Tarantino movie.  

             He had greasy gray hair past his shoulders, a chain necklace, facial hair shaved into thin angular lines and a shirt he had clearly borrowed from Charlie Sheen.  But even Charlie Sheen wouldn’t have so many buttons unbuttoned.  The DJ signaled to him.  He approached confidently and studied me intently.  Then he looked at my face. 

              And surprise!  There was an interview.  Didn’t see that one coming.  He shot off a couple rounds of rapid fire questions: Where have you worked?  Have you been here before?  Why do you want to work here?  Etc.  He actually answered the last one for me and then I corrected him.  We had gone back and forth my friend and I each answering his questions in turn then he asked her why do you want to work here?  She answered and he looked back at me and said “And you’re here for the money.”  I jumped in and said actually, I love that this space is so sex positive and the girls are so friendly.  He was surprised and amused.  Then he said alright, go get changed, you’re going to do two songs and then a lapdance. 

Shit.

I had exactly one song worth of material.  So we changed and my friend went up first.  While she danced I spoke with the DJ.  It went something like this: 

Me: “I’m nervous and I don’t have many moves.  Can you play something slowish and short?” 

DJ: “Sure what do you want?” 

Me: “Do you have Little Drop of Poison?” 

DJ: “Yup.  And you want something similar for the second song?” 

Me: “Yes please.” 

DJ: “Got it.  You’re up next.”

               And then, demonstrating impressive psychic ability, he said “It doesn’t matter if you do exactly the same thing twice, just dance for yourself and have fun up there.”  And I wanted to give him a big boobiful hug.  But that seemed unprofessional.  I resisted.

              Then I danced.  And danced again.  And during the second song as I was writhing around on the floor I thought: “I’m so naked I’m not even wearing HAIR.”  And at that point I relaxed and melted into my new identity and had a hell of a lot of fun.

              Then between the pole work and the lap dance there was a brief break when the owner ran off to do something terribly important.  The DJ pulled my friend and I aside and gave us a few tips:

            “Full contact, full nudity but don’t touch his hair, his nipples or his belt.  Smile, don’t unbutton his shirt.”  etc.  So...we’d be trying to turn him on while navigating a minefield of boundaries.  Thank goodness I’ve spent the last decade sleeping with stone butches!

            When we got in the lapdance room he sat down and asked if I had ever given a lap dance before.  I confessed I hadn’t.  (I decided not to mention the informal training I’d had with my stone lovers)  He told me to straddle him and press into him.  This was not nearly as awkward as it sounds.  Then I pulled away and he proceeded to tell me the rules of the club as I remained naked and straddling him unsure of whether I should be moving or not.  I made the occasional half-assed hip sway motion but other than that it was a very business-like and un-dancey lap dance.  I think he just wants to know that the dancers are willing and able to do full nudity and full contact. 

             Then we went in the back and I filled out my availability.

          A few things I love about the club: it used to be a pirate themed family restaurant. (really) And the décor hasn’t changed much. The lap dance room maintains an especially pirate-y feel. But MOST importantly: it’s sex positive and the girls get along. In my experience that’s a rare find.
           An online review of this place says “while some folks say that strip clubs are degrading to women; this one is degrading to you. The girls call the shots and they are not afraid to embarrass you in front of your friends.” So true.

I visited several times before deciding to audition and each time there was at least one instance of some dude acting cocky and talking big and then getting schooled by one of the dancers.  As in, she jumps off stage, goes further than he expects and calls his bluff or he does a douchey move and puts a dollar on top of his head or sticking out of his collar for her to fetch and she makes a big show of flirting with him while dancing and then plops down in his lap in the least sexy way imaginable.  That one was my favorite.  It had the whole room laughing, including the dollar-collar douche.  

I’ve been to maybe 20 strip clubs in my life and this is the only one I’ve ever been tempted to work at.  The atmosphere is light and silly and fun and the dancers wear whatever they want.  One woman wears a scarf as a top, another is a hippie burner chick with giant fuzzy boots, there’s a cowgirl, a girl with the purple hair, a dommey lady in pleather thigh-high boots, a couple schoolgirl sorts, and now Ava, a lacier, vintage-ier version of me!  

*image from: T magazine blog @ nytimes.com

V-Day

Happy Belated Vday readerfolk!  I wrote this on the bus yesterday and then didn’t have a chance to upload it:

I’m stripping tonight and I’m very excited because I got a big red sequin heart hair clip like this:

But mine is not mounted on a headband so I can wear it at a saucy angle.  Ooo la la!

I am grateful that I’ll be working today.  Home makes my heart hurt this time of year.  Inmate 12004 and I met the end of January 2010.  We met on Craigslist.  He had just moved to town and posted an ad looking for queer bandmates.  He was damn cute so I messaged him and just said “Hey, I don’t play anything but let me know if you’d be up for coffee with an artsy queer femme lady.”  We started exchanging texts late that night when I was out bowling and eating tacos with friends.  We talked when I got home.  I was in the bathroom of my teeny studio changing into my penguin pajamas (which he would later make fun of before pointing out that they're actually owls, not penguins).  And dammit, he was right.   I still wear my owl pajamas but now when I wear them I accessorize with glasses and a book.

But back to the bathroom, he was trying to convince me that we should meet up that night rather than waiting till the weekend.  I paused, partially-pajamaed and precariously perched (on the metaphorical fence).  He definitely had the transguy timbre so I knew he wasn't a cisdude, but I didn't know whether he was a safe, sane person.  So I asked him to tell me a story.  He told me about working on a maple syrup farm in Vermont with a bunch of lesbian ladies.  He was clever and funny and charming.  And then we discovered that he was two blocks away.  He offered to come over and I said hell no even though I was wearing my favorite pajamas and had a round bed that was AWESOME for wrestling.  You know, stranger danger.  So I put my dress back on and drove the two blocks to his house.   Again, stranger danger. 

About half an hour into our first night together I remember thinking "Oh my goodness, I'm naked already?!"  (I have limited experience with one night stands)  But then I remembered that it was three am and we both knew what we were there for; so really it would have been strange if I wasn't naked by that point.  

           The next morning I was very quietly getting dressed so as not to disturb him.  He awoke.  This was our exchange:

 Him: Are you a stripper?

Me: No, why?

Him: Because you put on your heels before your clothes.

Me: You’re laying on my dress.

Then we looked at each other with mutual vaguely annoyed befuddlement.  This set the tone for the next year and a half.

We went our first real date that weekend:

Him: I’ve only dated straight girls.

Me: Well, I’m not straight and I don’t do monogamy. 

Him: I’m married.*

(mutual vaguely annoyed befuddlement)

One year later we moved in together.

We fell further and further and our chemistry only got more intense as time passed.  We may be perfect opposites.  If I feel strongly about something it's safe to assume he is certain that we should do the exact opposite.  Of course we continued to annoy and befuddle each other.  

One day he walked in on me shaving my legs in the bathroom sink.  I was perched on the edge of the sink with feet in the warm, shallow water.  This was our exchange:

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Shaving my legs.

Him: Why don’t you do that in the shower?

Me: Because I don’t want to mess up my hair and this sink looks like a birdbath.

Him: What does that have to do with anything?

Me: Everything.  What kind of femme would I be if I didn’t aspire to birdliness?

Him: I need to poop.

(mutual vaguely annoyed befuddlement)

Him: You eat a lot.

Me: You drink a lot.

(mutual vaguely annoyed befuddlement)

A dream I had once upon a time:

Inmate 12004 and I were in bed but he seemed distracted and I didn’t know why.  When I pulled back the covers I discovered what was going on.  This was our exchange:

Me: What are you doing?

Him: Peeling potatoes.

Me: But your hands will be all starchy.

(mutual vaguely annoyed befuddlement)

On Valentines Day last year we were both underemployed and broke.  We had moved our stuff into the two bedroom house we were to share but were living like squatters, sleeping on my old futon in the living room so as not to have to heat the whole house.  Valentines Day 2011:

A very romantic laundry day.

Dinner with jellied cranberry sauce cut into hearts. 

Then we built a fire, dragged the futon in front of the fireplace and had a magical evening.  It was the best Valentines Day ever. 

This year he is in jail.  I know he has to sort his shit out and we both need to have healthy boundaries.  But I will be thinking of him as I fall asleep in a twin bed with a sweet snuggle pup at my feet.  And despite the chaos of the last two years I still want to smell him and touch him and love him.  


If he were sober and I were ready I'd like to think we'd be curled up together with our dogs eating spaghetti and watching Lady and the Tramp.  But since that's not possible** I may as well glitter up and dance the night away.


*That whole marriage thing has since been taken care of and they were already separated when we met.  Home-wrecking isn't really my style.
**this is not possible not just because he's in jail and I'm having healthy boundaries (weird, right?) but also because he's much too much of a tough guy to watch cheesy romantic stuff.  Really, we'd probably end up watching Death Proof or Let the Right One In.  But only if he agrees to cover my eyes or let me burrow into his shoulder/neck/chest at the scary parts.

Tears for Queers

Tonight I went to Madame Butterfly instead of Queer Al Anon.  And the experience was healing in a way.  I still cried and saw lots of queer folks.  Though in this context "queer folks" refers to creatively dressed elderly people.  My top three favorite outfits of the evening:

1. A woman draped so heavily in stinky fur she looked like a Russian czarina.  I think there were still mothballs in the pockets. 

2. A very wrinkley shirt made of paper.  It was tearible.  (haha, pun)

3. A woman in a magenta sequin minidress with a red plaid hunters jacket and granny glasses.

Now it's time to snuggle up with my pup for some post-opera recovery time.  That was a lot of emotion.  I’m pooped.  I wonder if suicide hotline hits spike when three thousand people leave a theater after Madame Butterfly.  Kelly Kaduce had me crying so hard my boobs are now salted.  

Incidentally, opera snobs: her name is pronounced kuh-DOOS not kah-DOO-chey.  Mispronouncing her name will not make her Italian and pronouncing it correctly will not undermine her authenticity.  She is a magnificently talented white lady from Minnesota.  Embrace it.        

Possible new tagline for the bloggy blog:

From rape fetish to opera seria, ladyface is your lady!

How to Romance a Ladyface

Two VERY IMPORTANT caveats:

1. This won't work on all ladyfaces.  In fact, it will probably get you arrested.  Pervert.

2. This post contains graphic and potentially triggering content about rape fantasy.

So, at risk of alienating my handful of followers...here it is:

I never know when a blogworthy thought will get caught in the lint trap of my brain, so I end up writing most of my bloggy posts on the notepad app on my iPhone.  It’s awkward, frequently frustrating and really only a small step up from scribbling on the soggy cocktail napkins I napkin-nap from beneath my virgin martinis.*  This is one such thought:

I would really like to one day date a hot transguy or butch woman who cares enough to plan my abduction and gang rape in the woods, on the docks, in a train yard or some other deserted terrifying place that smells like must, rust and decay where nobody could hear me scream and each of his badass friends could use me and abuse me until I collapsed in a useless trembling heap.  Then he would wrap me in a blanket, carry me to his or her truck, take me home and give me me a bath.  And I would kiss his vicious hands as we fall asleep together.  Really universe, is that so much to ask?

I wrote this on my magic phone while waiting in the chiropractors office but when I typed in transguys the predictive text suggested ‘tea huts’.  Dammit phone, way to ruin the mood.  I had just transformed this chiropractors waiting room into the sexiest chiropractors waiting room in the world and you morphed hot transguys into hot teahuts.

I’d much rather visit a hot transguy than a hot teahut.  And if I were to ever visit a ‘tea hut’’ I’d like it to be cool or even chilly but definitely not hot.  Oh, and nicely decorated with a Frenchy Bohemian feel.  Like this:

But maybe a bit bigger and more colorful.  Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.  It could be built out of repurposed windows like a tea-hut-greenhouse but with an old Persian rug to cover the dirt floor, a squishy old wingback chair for reading and writing with the pup at my feet and antique birdcages full of pretty pastries.  Ooo, I like this plan.  So much for transguys, I’m on a tea hut mission!

(though I wouldn’t object to violent sex with a pushy pervert in my fancy tea hut)

*virgin martini (n): water with olives, served up.

**image from the blog of Laura Beth Love (who really likes repurposed windows) 

on AA (archetypes/associations)

I’ve been a bad ladyface.  I’m trying to save up to move to San Francisco in June so in addition to my full time office job I’ve also been tutoring SAT and ACT on Saturdays and stripping on Sundays.  It wasn’t until I typed that that I realized what an odd combination that is.  Anyway, I haven’t had much downtime and I’ve neglected the bloggy blog, which is a shame because there’s SO MUCH to write about!  And I miss you readerfolk.  I think I said that in my last post too.  Also, I feel like a dick bag for not commenting on any of the other blogs of the lovely queers that I follow.  I don’t mean a strange but cozy cock sack knitted by a loving femmeface, I mean a bag full of gross severed tentacles.  That kinda dick bag.  Ewww.

So I’m gonna set some goals going forward and post them here to help hold me accountable because that’s what my life coach would tell me to do. 

The Ladyface Schedule:

Mascara Monday

-the day I go to work on 3-4 hours of sleep.  Of my stripper makeup the mascara is the hardest to get off so I go to work wearing a bit more mascara than the average office lady.  The goal for the day is just to stay awake. 

-yoga in the evening if I’m not too sleepy and sore from dancing

Fat Tuesday

-the one day I can eat whatever I want because I’ve spent the rest of the week eating millet flakes, soy yogurt and kale

-walk the dog

Writing Wednesday

-post on the blog

-walk the dog

Recovery Thurrrrrsday (okay that one’s not quite an alliteration)

            -Al Anon (Inmate 12004 and I were lovers and I didn’t realize until recently how much the year and a half we spent together is still affecting me.  Please read his blog: originalplumbing.com  He’s trying to get his life back on track and needs love and support now more than ever.)

-take out the trash and sometimes my nuvaring but not in that order

-walk the dog

Foot Fetish Friday

-reply to any foot fetish clients who have emailed me 

-pole dance class if I’m not scheduled at the strip club

-walk the dog

SAT Saturday

-tutor

-strength and flexibility class if I’m not scheduled at the strip club

-walk the dog

Slutty Sunday

-take my pup for an epic run

-strip

Oh my goodness!  I just realized I never wrote about the end of the New Years Resolution.  It happened.  I’ll write about that and the audition process and the club and all that good stuff soon but those will be longer entries.  So for now:

On AA (archetypes/associations):

Isn’t it interesting what people project onto you?  I knew going into the stripping thing that I’d encounter all kinds of interesting fantasies but there have been a few surprises along the way.  So far each shift at least 3 separate people have told me I look “just like” Natalie Portman.  I don’t look like Natalie Portman, but it’s a very nice compliment.  Thank goodness for beer goggles and crummy lighting!  I am a slim brunette with a classic look and I do look much more vanilla than a lot of my super sexy coworkers who have tattoos and unnatural hair colors.  It would be more accurate to say that I look more like Natalie Portman than the majority of my coworkers and that they look more like Joan Jett than I do. 

Anyway, the Natalie Portman association is very flattering so I didn’t think I’d care what else they associate me with but I’ve had an unsettling surprise.  I go by Ava because it complements my look and it’s easy for men to remember.  I had Ava Gardner in mind when I chose the name; it has a classic feel but isn’t an immediate association.  

If I called myself Monroe or Bettie that would be a bit too obvious and pretentious.  But when I’ve introduced myself as Ava several men have said “Oh, like Eva Braun?”  Do you know who Eva Braun is?  I didn’t.  She was Hitlers lover.  

Yipes.  I would never date a man in a double breasted suit with pleated front pants and terrible facial hair.  So I guess I do care who patrons associate me with.  But really guys, I’m happy to give you a ridiculously raunchy lap dance and you can imagine me as a nurse or a school teacher or even your own mother but please don’t think of me as a Nazi, that makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.

This might soon be a moot point.  A few men have begun calling me Natalie Portland and it seems to be gaining momentum.  As far as I know she isn’t a Nazi, so that’s nice.

Unfunny Bunny: a Ladyface Life Lesson*

         Hello beautiful blog lurkers! I’m sorry I didn’t post my usual Sunday blog entry. This weekend became suddenly crazy busy. I auditioned at my favorite strip club on Saturday and I started on Sunday (eeps!) so I’ve had strange work hours and very few sleep hours. I feel a bit like a zombieface and haven’t had a chance to sit down and gather my thoughts. (They will literally have to be gathered, since right now they are a pile of smudged cocktail napkin scribbles.) All this to say, the story of this strange and wonderful weekend will have to wait. But I’ve missed you readerfolk and couldn’t bear to go to sleep without posting something tonight. So for now, here’s a something I wrote on a break at work last week: 

              I’ve had a few exchanges with a Ridiculously Attractive Person in my office building recently and I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth repeatedly. Each time I am reminded of the scene from Secretary in which Maggie Gyllenhall’s character, on the advice of an article she read in Cosmo, awkwardly compliments Mr. Grey’s tie in an effort to rekindle their relationship. She fails and leaves his office flustered and frustrated and looks so darn cute that I want to eat her but not in a sexy girl-on-girl kinda way. I want to swallow her whole like a little marzipan bunny.

               I probably won’t ever stop saying dumb things in front of beautiful people but maybe I can aspire to marzipan bunny status and at least look edible while I make an ass of myself. If I could make someone smile my suffering would not be in vain. Wait, what am I saying? This has already happened.
              About a month ago Ridiculously Attractive Person rushed into the elevator, soaking wet from a sudden downpour and I smiled empathically and said “Lovely weather for ducks, eh?” (apparently nervousness brings out my inner Canadian.) And she said “...what?” and I said “That’s what my grandmum says when it rains. Because it’s wet.” She absentmindedly mumbled “Oh. Yeah.” as she shook out her umbrella. And that’s when the third elevator passenger, a sandalwood-scented cisdude in a suit, smiled silently and looked down at his very shiny loafers. If he had offered to swallow me whole in that moment I would have been a very grateful bunny.
             In conclusion, your British grandmothers cutesy colloquialisms are NOT pick up lines.

*Ladyface Life Lesson (n): A situation wherein I do dumb shit so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

image from Rebecca Russell