How to Romance a Ladyface

Two VERY IMPORTANT caveats:

1. This won't work on all ladyfaces.  In fact, it will probably get you arrested.  Pervert.

2. This post contains graphic and potentially triggering content about rape fantasy.

So, at risk of alienating my handful of followers...here it is:

I never know when a blogworthy thought will get caught in the lint trap of my brain, so I end up writing most of my bloggy posts on the notepad app on my iPhone.  It’s awkward, frequently frustrating and really only a small step up from scribbling on the soggy cocktail napkins I napkin-nap from beneath my virgin martinis.*  This is one such thought:

I would really like to one day date a hot transguy or butch woman who cares enough to plan my abduction and gang rape in the woods, on the docks, in a train yard or some other deserted terrifying place that smells like must, rust and decay where nobody could hear me scream and each of his badass friends could use me and abuse me until I collapsed in a useless trembling heap.  Then he would wrap me in a blanket, carry me to his or her truck, take me home and give me me a bath.  And I would kiss his vicious hands as we fall asleep together.  Really universe, is that so much to ask?

I wrote this on my magic phone while waiting in the chiropractors office but when I typed in transguys the predictive text suggested ‘tea huts’.  Dammit phone, way to ruin the mood.  I had just transformed this chiropractors waiting room into the sexiest chiropractors waiting room in the world and you morphed hot transguys into hot teahuts.

I’d much rather visit a hot transguy than a hot teahut.  And if I were to ever visit a ‘tea hut’’ I’d like it to be cool or even chilly but definitely not hot.  Oh, and nicely decorated with a Frenchy Bohemian feel.  Like this:

But maybe a bit bigger and more colorful.  Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.  It could be built out of repurposed windows like a tea-hut-greenhouse but with an old Persian rug to cover the dirt floor, a squishy old wingback chair for reading and writing with the pup at my feet and antique birdcages full of pretty pastries.  Ooo, I like this plan.  So much for transguys, I’m on a tea hut mission!

(though I wouldn’t object to violent sex with a pushy pervert in my fancy tea hut)

*virgin martini (n): water with olives, served up.

**image from the blog of Laura Beth Love (who really likes repurposed windows) 

A femme walks into a Gyno's office...

I recently went to the gyno.  This is usually unfun but I love this new lady!  She’s approachable, informative, and seems genuinely invested in ensuring that her patients have the knowledge to advocate for themselves.  And I learned stuff.  I like to be prepared so of course I had my list of questions on hand.  The list ended with my most silly question.  It’s an awkward sex question so it was written down with an extra big question mark.  I didn’t think I’d be comfortable enough to ask it.

But by the end of my appointment I was very comfortable and had even added an additional awkward questions to my list.  This is what I learned:

Q. (with context) I like big toys.  Crazy ridiculous big.  But when I look at those doctors office anatomical drawings and then at my lovers cock, or fist…what?  I don’t think I have a particularly cavernous pussy.  So how the heck does that work?  Where does it GO?

A. The vaginal canal expands not only laterally to encompass the girth of a large toy but also vertically.  This is what I didn’t understand.  So the cock doesn’t go past the cervix (ouch) but the cervix gets pushed up and out of the way by the cock.  HOT.

Q. Is it possible to damage my lovely lady bits with LOTS of magical sex with hot transguys and their obscenely large cocks/fists/toys/organic zucchinis?

A. Not unless it’s particularly pointy.  In which case you could potentially hurt your pretty pink cervix.  So, you know, just don’t use your pole-vaulting pole.  (I’m talking to you Balian Buschbaum!)

I even referred my Mormon friend to Magic Gyno and the doctor was equally patient and informative with a woman who also had a lot of questions and concerns.  Very different questions and concerns from mine of course…but the doctor handled them with the same ease, candor and genuine care I experienced as an out hussy.

In conclusion, health is important.  So is your safety and comfort.  So go find a nice gyno, ask questions ahead of time to make sure he or she can rock the getting-to-know-you-before-I-get-all-up-in-your-business part of the exam and then get your shit checked out and your burning, yearning, itching, twitching, haunting, taunting questions/STIs attended to.