John School 101: How to Email a Ho

I get a lot of poorly written emails from potential clients.  Just this morning this was in my inbox: “hey baby, ur hot. Let’s skype.”  This is baffling to me.  I know the internet is the wild west of the sex industry but on the offchance that I’m a real human and that those pictures are really pictures of me wouldn’t you want to not blow that chance?  

It doesn’t even take that long to write a decent intro email and those extra three minutes of effort might just mean the difference between getting laid and getting blocked.  I looked for pre-existing resources but Emily Post is of no help on this subject, so in an effort to help the would-be-clients of the world get laid and pros not want to gouge their eyes out I've prepared a brief outline for writing a respectful, succinct, pertinent email to a ho.  It's based on the outline of a childs letter to a new penpal.

Really people, if this kid can do it, so can you. (and you don't even have to worry about breaking the pencil lead or referring back to a poster of the alphabet to make sure your Ns aren't backwards). 

Your initial email to a ho/pro should include:

-Name

-Location

-A bit about you and what you're into:

  I like nylons, sports cars, the color blue

-Fun facts!: 

  I love cockrings, I have herpes, I just made a sand castle

-Relevant questions for the ho/penpal:

  Do you do incall?  Do you do CBT?  Do you like the color blue?

-A nice sign off:

  I hope you’re doing well, I look forward to hearing from you, Hugs and Hi-C,

It should not include:

-Emoticons

-Internet abbreviations

-Confetti

-Your autobiography

-Dickpics

See?  Easy.  You're welcome.

*image from the North American Montessori Center

How to Romance a Ladyface

Two VERY IMPORTANT caveats:

1. This won't work on all ladyfaces.  In fact, it will probably get you arrested.  Pervert.

2. This post contains graphic and potentially triggering content about rape fantasy.

So, at risk of alienating my handful of followers...here it is:

I never know when a blogworthy thought will get caught in the lint trap of my brain, so I end up writing most of my bloggy posts on the notepad app on my iPhone.  It’s awkward, frequently frustrating and really only a small step up from scribbling on the soggy cocktail napkins I napkin-nap from beneath my virgin martinis.*  This is one such thought:

I would really like to one day date a hot transguy or butch woman who cares enough to plan my abduction and gang rape in the woods, on the docks, in a train yard or some other deserted terrifying place that smells like must, rust and decay where nobody could hear me scream and each of his badass friends could use me and abuse me until I collapsed in a useless trembling heap.  Then he would wrap me in a blanket, carry me to his or her truck, take me home and give me me a bath.  And I would kiss his vicious hands as we fall asleep together.  Really universe, is that so much to ask?

I wrote this on my magic phone while waiting in the chiropractors office but when I typed in transguys the predictive text suggested ‘tea huts’.  Dammit phone, way to ruin the mood.  I had just transformed this chiropractors waiting room into the sexiest chiropractors waiting room in the world and you morphed hot transguys into hot teahuts.

I’d much rather visit a hot transguy than a hot teahut.  And if I were to ever visit a ‘tea hut’’ I’d like it to be cool or even chilly but definitely not hot.  Oh, and nicely decorated with a Frenchy Bohemian feel.  Like this:

But maybe a bit bigger and more colorful.  Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.  It could be built out of repurposed windows like a tea-hut-greenhouse but with an old Persian rug to cover the dirt floor, a squishy old wingback chair for reading and writing with the pup at my feet and antique birdcages full of pretty pastries.  Ooo, I like this plan.  So much for transguys, I’m on a tea hut mission!

(though I wouldn’t object to violent sex with a pushy pervert in my fancy tea hut)

*virgin martini (n): water with olives, served up.

**image from the blog of Laura Beth Love (who really likes repurposed windows)