Licked

I always lead by example. So why does my pup still bark at the mailman, chew pillows and lick her butt? She has NEVER seen her mum engage in any of those behaviors. If she began chewing her bottom lip when she’s concentrating or leaving her makeup all over the bathroom or eating raw cookie dough for breakfast, then I’d have an idea of where she may have picked up those habits…

But butt licking? Aggressive barking? Pillow chewing!? K, I have been known to chew pillows. Really though, what am I supposed to do about that stuff? (to clarify: that is not a rhetorical question; any advice from more experienced dog owners would be much appreciated.)

In other puppy-related news: I recently got out a strap-on I haven’t used in ages. Oh. That probably sounds bad. Trust me and keep reading, this isn’t going where you think it is. Pervert.

So, I pulled up my favorite porn site, pulled down my lacy underwears, took care of business and fell asleep soft and satiated. Thanks iPhone! Then a few minutes later I woke to discover…

The Pup licking my toy.

And all I could do in that moment was plummet headlong and groggy through the 3 stages of parental freak out:

1. Anger: “Ewwwww! Not for puppies! This is NOT for puppies! Daddies and Mommies but definitely NOT puppies! Bad! Bad behavior! Sexy toys are NOT for puppies!” (there was dildo waving involved)

2. Guilt: “Oh god. I’m so sorry sweetie, mama doesn’t mean to yell. Are you mad at me? Is this because   I borrowed your leash? I’m sorry. I should have asked, but I was running late to that play party and the leather is so nice…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. It is your leash. I'll buy you another one. I’m sorry baby girl.” 

3. Acceptance: “Well, shit. I love you anyway...

    Bitch."

So, what do I do? (Again, not rhetorical)

Of course I keep a Queer Kosher home* (as defined below) but is it safe to boil the pup-contaminated toy in the same pot I use for the rest of my toys? Does it need special additional cleaning? Any advice or insights from fellow queermos would be much appreciated.

*Queer Kosher: (adj.) Describes the practice of using separate, distinct and preferably color-coded or labeled pots for: preparing food, boiling sex toys and dying clothes.