Oblivi-cis

In my limited time at the strip club I’ve been amazed at how many men inform me that I look like a 50’s pin-up and expect this to be new information, as if my very carefully designed and executed hair, makeup and outfit are all just a happy coincidence.

I don’t just wake up like this boys. No, it takes a whole team of singing birds and field mice an hour and a half to create this look. Okay, maybe not. But it really does take about an hour and a half to get ready before each shift (since there isn’t a femmification iPhone app yet.)  Come on apple, get on it! I would buy that app in a heartbeat. Or a robot. Yes, a robot would be very nice. But it has to have joint-free hands or fancy silky gloves so our pretty femmey hairs won’t get tangled while they style our elegant updos. Thanks. But back to Ava, I suppose I might get sick of the commitment and simplify my look to reduce that time but for now the slow, deliberate self care feels pretty great.

If you follow me on twitter (@1ladyface) you may have seen my tweet about my new favorite book:

It is pretty amazing. There’s even a handy quiz to determine your “true” hair color which apparently is directly linked to personality traits and has nothing to do with the actual color of your roots. I had no idea. Apparently I'm really a "brownette" not to be confused with "brunettes" who are more sexually aggressive and wear heavier eyeliner. Clearly. But back to the topic at hand, I can’t imagine trying to write a whole book based on cisdudes’ understandings of femininity as Ms. Dahl claims to have done.

My recent strip club experiences have only reinforced my view that men, with the exception of some transguys and foot fetishists who know beautiful words like D’Orsay and Cole Haan, are opinionated but lack the vocabulary to communicate their testosterone muddled thoughts. Though most men do at least have a yes grunt and a no grunt, except for married ones who have a yes grunt and an uncomfortable “meh” sound.

“Always Ask a Man…” must have taken ages to write! I’m imagining a Diving Bell and the Butterfly type scenario.

Cheers to Arlene, wherever you are! You are clearly the most patient woman in the world.

p.s. I am aware that some cisdudes are awesome, well-spoken, self aware and appreciative of high femmeness but in my experience they are in the minority. Sorry boys. Also, I respect my clients and I realize that they don’t need to know what goes into the Ava look anymore than I need to know about their pipe welding or data entry or bull fighting. Though if I met a bullfighter I would have a bajillion questions for them, like wtf? And why?

Then I’d ask to borrow their cute little embroidered jacket.