How to Romance a Ladyface

Two VERY IMPORTANT caveats:

1. This won't work on all ladyfaces.  In fact, it will probably get you arrested.  Pervert.

2. This post contains graphic and potentially triggering content about rape fantasy.

So, at risk of alienating my handful of followers...here it is:

I never know when a blogworthy thought will get caught in the lint trap of my brain, so I end up writing most of my bloggy posts on the notepad app on my iPhone.  It’s awkward, frequently frustrating and really only a small step up from scribbling on the soggy cocktail napkins I napkin-nap from beneath my virgin martinis.*  This is one such thought:

I would really like to one day date a hot transguy or butch woman who cares enough to plan my abduction and gang rape in the woods, on the docks, in a train yard or some other deserted terrifying place that smells like must, rust and decay where nobody could hear me scream and each of his badass friends could use me and abuse me until I collapsed in a useless trembling heap.  Then he would wrap me in a blanket, carry me to his or her truck, take me home and give me me a bath.  And I would kiss his vicious hands as we fall asleep together.  Really universe, is that so much to ask?

I wrote this on my magic phone while waiting in the chiropractors office but when I typed in transguys the predictive text suggested ‘tea huts’.  Dammit phone, way to ruin the mood.  I had just transformed this chiropractors waiting room into the sexiest chiropractors waiting room in the world and you morphed hot transguys into hot teahuts.

I’d much rather visit a hot transguy than a hot teahut.  And if I were to ever visit a ‘tea hut’’ I’d like it to be cool or even chilly but definitely not hot.  Oh, and nicely decorated with a Frenchy Bohemian feel.  Like this:

But maybe a bit bigger and more colorful.  Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.  It could be built out of repurposed windows like a tea-hut-greenhouse but with an old Persian rug to cover the dirt floor, a squishy old wingback chair for reading and writing with the pup at my feet and antique birdcages full of pretty pastries.  Ooo, I like this plan.  So much for transguys, I’m on a tea hut mission!

(though I wouldn’t object to violent sex with a pushy pervert in my fancy tea hut)

*virgin martini (n): water with olives, served up.

**image from the blog of Laura Beth Love (who really likes repurposed windows)