Goalz.

I was thinking about my long term plans today and I realized that the majority of my goals fall into the category of Arbitrary but Awesome. Here are my top ten from that category: 

1. Strip to Tom Waits’ Little Drop of Poison in red pointe shoes

2. Couples Halloween costume, but with my dog. So wrong. (Since she’s a girl we’d totally look like homos.) We could be Tegan and Sara! 

(I'll be the one reading, my pup will be the one making eyes at you.)

3. Learn morse code so I can embroider smut into the rain in my crafty projects.

4. Knit my dog an ugly Christmas sweater and make her wear it every day of December 2012 and possibly into January. (I’ll wash it.)

5. Salvage an old, broken upright piano and plant things in it. Not cute, British garden plants like peonies or pansies but epic big ass plants like ferns and birds of paradise and crazy climbing vines with giant purple blossoms. It should look like I salvaged the piano from a RAINFOREST.

6. Deconstruct, line and reconstruct these: 

I'll make them into uber manly oven mitts to serve as a not so subtle hint to future lovers that I like a boi who can cook. 

sidenote: If the presence of such mitts (hung prominently over my oven) isn’t enough, here’s step two: Dress like a lovely little June Cleaver but struggle to put on my giant manly mitts, letting them fall off several times and refusing help before finally managing (with apparent difficulty) to keep them on just long enough to retrieve a flavorless charred casserole-like-thing from the oven. (ideally at this point the kitchen smells nothing like food and very much like fire). Then, upon seeing my creation and realizing I’ve failed at my wifely duties, collapse at the kitchen table, across from Lover, dropping my now mascara-tear stained face into my giant leather mittened hands, defeated. (Ideally each glove would be larger than my face) What kind of bastard wouldn’t take up the manly mitts and cook for such a sorry soul? 


...or I could just use my words.

7. Master the lost art of unbuttoning buttons with my toes, then time myself!  hot.

8. Learn to play cello just well enough so that I can sing Lady GaGa songs and accompany myself. I will wear a classic little black dress and pearls but do my hair in a giant crazy updo with a glittery white finger monkey peaking out one side at a jaunty angle, winning the audience over with its big, blinky eyes and teeny dexterous fingers. 

(because feather extensions are so 2011) Of course I'm anti animal cruelty so the glitter would have to be the finger monkeys choice. I would leave an Altoid tin sandbox full of food grade glitter on my vanity and let them decide whether they would like to role around in it. (I hope to find a femme self-identified teenage finger monkey who would be TOTALLY into it and would feel very pretty in their shimmery fur coat.)

9. Sunbathe naked on the rock in front of Bridal Veil Falls. Well, not naked naked, I’d wear my Fancy Lady Sunglasses so nobody would question my behavior. It would be clear that it was indeed MY naked public sunbathing rock. 

10. Win a MacArthur