Good Morning!

This morning I awoke to a text from a Vanilla Friend: 

“This reminded me of you:”

Of course I was flattered.  It was almost as good as waking up to this:

K, I don’t actually own a vibrating vagina alarm clock. And I’m not sure whether the experience would be horrifying or glorious. But I'm certainly curious! My birthday is right around the corner...though I'm not sure whom I'd be comfortable asking for this little present.

Plan A:

Dear Santa,

Do you do birthdays too? Cause I’ve got one coming up. I’ve been good-ish this year and there’s a little gizmo that has the potential to make me even better next year…

Plan B:

Or I could channel my inner Kardashian: pretend to get married and add it to the bridal registry?

We could set the date for April 1st and then when the guests show up my handsome Fake Fiance and I will be in hilariously gay pajamas (that way if anyone gets mad at us, it'll be a hate crime) and we'll yell "April Fools!" And the guest's will all chuckle and shake their heads as if to say, "Oh, you guys!"

And just in case some of our more traditional friends and family are offended by our ingenuity Fake Fiance will let down the tailgate of hys or hyr truck to reveal a truck load of...consolation puppies! And we will all snuggle and drink mimosas in a giant puppy pile on a giant quilt in the middle of a field of sunflowers.

Oh geez. I'm gonna need a lot of puppies. I sure hope Santa comes through.